2003-03-28 - 4:21 p.m.
Just to cap off a bad flaming week ...
i dont know why i bothered going to be honest. I mean .. i put my self though hell with my panics & freaking out about things. I got my mum down from Hull & got out of my bed early .. and for what? FUCK ALL .. thats what.
I got there at 10:30 .. went to get a drink, i was fine at this point .. wasnt panicing too much (unlike me but i wasnt complaining!!) Made it to the clinic for 11:15 and saw there was an hour to wait :@ Once you in, you sit for about 15/20 mins in the normal bit then depending on what Dr your seeing you get moved down the coridoor. I got moved down to where i was before. I was hoping that i might be seeing this nice bloke that i have seen 2 times before .. i never see my actualy consoltant, i just see the SPR (registra) Any way, i got chatting to one of the ladys in the waiting room, her appointment was for 11 so i knew when she was called i was next .. started to panic. Vomited twice and kept going to the loo (i always sit in the same spot next to the toilet .. im not as think as i look) So, i recognised the name of the Dr but couldnt place him, it turned out it was the bloke i had seen on the wards while i was in hopital 18 months ago. He is a nice enough bloke, he just has no communication skills, no idea how to be polite and cant engage in convsation very well. He has no personality & doesnt think very far ahead.
First thing he said was 'how long have you been in a chair' .. lol, 'yes, hi, nice to see you again too' He took me straight through into the examination rooms and gave me the once over .. it was more than clear that its not normal .. i dont have normal reactions. If fact i think that was one of the worst neuro exams i have ever given!!
He asked me nothing about my bladder, or my bowles, asked me how i was better and what symptoms had changed and so on. I explained that my ME/CFS what ever you want to call it had cleared up really well .. that i was feeling tons better and studying and so on .. but that the problems with my back had stayed the same. I explained that the problems with my bad started years before the ME/CFS started it just happened that when my back got worse i got ME/CFS at the same bloomin time. He didnt seem very intrested in that and carried on talking about my 'condition' as one thing rather than 2.
He asked me what i thought it was, did i think they were going to find something and so on .. i said that i thought i had some kind of spinal injury but made it clear that i knew no matter what i said to him i could have been diognosed with some mental health problems. Conversion disorder/Somataform disorder Basicly in conversion/somatoform if you are happy .. its because your making all your problems go away by channeling them into your body there for you dont have to worry about them .. but are disabled because of it. If you are depressed on the other hand, your making your symptoms worse, worrying about them and making it all up. Its a loose loose situation.
The Dr said he agreed with the bloke i saw under Prof Wessley in London a few months ago. He said he felt i have a somatoform disorder but not ME .. although he DID NOT diognose it. He suggested i saw some one in my local health authority .. i did, about 2 weeks ago, and she said i did not fit any conditions. Sadly her letter/notes were not in my file and there for the neuro guy this morning could not see that i had been given the all clear by another phyc!
I nearly cryed when he said he thought it was somatofom disorder .. i was so hoping some one would just say 'its blah blah blah' i knew they wouldnt, but you can dream cant you?
He said that because the ME was clearing up, my legs would get better too (they are told to say that when they think your mental cos when you have SD/CD you like attention from doctors, seeing diffrent people and so on.
The out come really was that i am having a 2 hour MRI scan .. they are going to do my whole body (CRYS) send me to a woman Dr in London who looks at bladders & then see them again in 6 months. He said that my MRi would be normal and thats the last one they are going to do, he also said that once the woman at the hosptial had given the all clear they would see me once more and then not see me again for at least 2 years. He said that if in 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 years time my GP wanted me to be checked over .. then they would think about it. how kind of them.
By the end of the consoltation he kinda changed his mind about what he was saying .. he said that it was clear i had some 'neuro function problem' or somthing like that .. to be honest i was so angry and up set by the end i wasnt listning .. my mum keeps telling me thats good news, that they believe i have some problems with neuorlogical things but that they dont know what. I just dont fucking believe them .. as soon as he said SD my mum hit the roof .. he got scared and made it sound medical not mental.
So what ever .. he told me to go away and get better in not so many words .. i will do my best.
Fuck it .. i cant be assed to write any more .. im off to cry into my pillow and listen to depressing music untill a few days have passed. See you in a few days x x x x x x x x x x x x
*screams and crys untill saw*
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004