2002-12-18 - 12:09 a.m.
Morning after the day before
(written Sunday 1st)
Well, its Sunday afternoon and I have had some time to think about everything that happened yesterday.
Think I got quite a good nights sleep .. it seems that with having nothing else to do I am getting more sleep and rest. I have to say, I'm not feeling any benefit from it, but at least I'm getting some more sleep .. cant to me any harm eh!
I am v. v. v. tiered after yesterday and in quite a bit of pain but I have been thinking about everything the Doctor said yesterday. I think really, I knew all along that I didn�t have ME � my condition isn�t the same as people with ME/CFS although I do share a lot of symptoms. I clung on to the diagnosis because I would rather be able to tell people I have ME than just say .. �I have a set of symptoms that don�t make up a condition!� � and more than that, I would rather people thought I was psychologically ill with ME than just making up a few symptoms that I couldn�t even work out to make one condition!! � Did that make sense? I think you all know what I mean any way.
I don�t really know what I'm going to do about my health now, I'm hoping that it will continue to improve over time � I mean, despite the pain being the same, I'm not as tiered as I was and I am doing more compared to 2 years ago when I was sofa bound. But how many years do I weight and what am I weighting for?
I think its about time I just leave my health to it and get on with my life. May be if I try and forget about it � it will go away?? Lol, or not.
I'm a bit worried, mainly because I'm having to move GP in a few weeks � my amazing doctor who I love more than anything said that I couldn�t stay with him how I'm in Waterbeach .. fair enough I guess, they have to draw the line some where. But what will my new doctor make of it all? Will he try and say I'm mentally ill?
I don�t know why I'm so scared of a mental health diagnosis � I think its because I don�t want to be talked down to, or looked upon in a different way to people with a physical illness. Mental illnesses are just as bad, sever & disabling �. So why am I so fussed about people looking in to it? Surly its just a diagnosis and I should be pleased I have one? � no, actually .. having said all that. Being diagnosed with a mental illness would take away every right I have. If I went to the doctors with a new symptom, they would blame it on my making things up, and I'm not.
I have always had lower back pain and problems walking .. its just got worse with time, its nothing to do with my mental health. Humm�
Just said something rather scary there � � I have always had lower back pain and problems walking .. its just got worse with time�
If its got this bad after 19 years .. what�s it going to be like in another 19?? Am I really going to loose the use of my legs? I already have no bladder and will eventually need a catheter, what�s next? ARGH!! I need to stop all this and go back to my original plan of getting on with life!! �.
I bit my tong last night, mum wants me to see a doctor cos I have sleep paralysis and keep biting my mouth. Like, I will wake up .. and I will bite my tong, but cos my body isn�t moving I just have to lay there biting my tong until I can move or go back to sleep .. lol .. *ouch* I don�t think its anything other than panic attacks/sleep paralysis .. mum just panics!
Speaking of mum, her and Andy (a bloke from down the road) brought over my sofa today!!! It looks wicked .. I'm so pleased with how everything looks, seriously, I'm really happy. Once I get carers sorted I will be well on my way!
To be honest I didn�t think I would need care, I thought I would cope fine with out it, but I cant. My legs just aren�t up to standing and washing up or standing to shower and cleaning and all that. It�s a bit hard accepting that you cant do things .. I keep going to do something and after a few mins pain kicks in and I wish I had never started >:-( Hey ho! Life isn�t going to hang around and weight for me to get better so I'm getting on with it the way I am! :-D
I don�t think I'm dong anything this week, I have a few bits to do in the village & now my wheel chair is charged I can do that.
Slight problem though, I have NO money .. and when I say NO money .. I am, I'm actually in minus figures!! So I have no credit on my phone, a little amount of food and nothing to cook it in .. and a TON of stuff I need to buy .. lol. Hey ho! I should hear about my DLA this week :-/ and I have a housing benefit person coming out to see me this week (I hope) so I can get all my other benefits sorted too!
I just have to think about bills and stuff before I can think about anything else. I have a phone line, rent, electric, credit, petrol, food, carers you would have thought they would give you them free if you were on a low in come eh!! But NO! *rolls eyes* So that will cost my about �36 a week :-/ humm.. and I have savings to think about too. I like to pay off my big bills all at once .. you know, like car insurance I always pay off in one go because then I just don�t have to worry about it for another year. Same with the TV licence and all that! So I need to top up my savings .. there getting a little low!
Mind you � going to see a doctor in London that costs �90 doesn�t bloomin help eh!!
I have far to much time to think about write .. I'm sorry, I dought any one is reading this, its just too long!! Lol � I know if I saw this in some ones diary I wouldn�t bother reading!!
But I just have to say .. I cant weight for Nikki to come home!! *YAY* she is home in a week or so I think .. it will be so good to see her, and now I have a sofa she can come and chill out here!! :-D :-D In fact .. any one can! Lol.
I'm hoping Matt will come over too � the room is big enough for him to get round everything, no problems so he can come have a cuppa with me!
Don�t know when I'm seeing Fran again, I think I'm staying at hers on Wednesday night cos she is going away for 2 weeks to Argentina for the world swimming championships (my baby swimming for GB & ranked 4th in the world!!)
But I have little petrol and I cant afford to put any in just yet so I'm kinda stuck here for the moment! Roll on DLA!!
God I really should leave now .. 2 pages I have written!! Lol, if any one got to the bottom of this they get a snickers!
BTW .. I'm not writing this on line, I'm writing this in word and saving them to put in my diary when I get back on line .. just in case you read this and think �hey, she was on line all that time!!� cos I'm not ;-)
Any way, talk to you all soon, love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004