2002-12-18 - 12:11 a.m.
Could get better, could get worse
(Written Tuesday, 03 December 2002 evening)
I don�t know what�s up with me tonight � there is SOOOO much wearling round my head I'm getting dizzy! I cant even slow it down enough to really see what�s going on .. I just think I'm totally over tiered after the past few days. I have been doing my best to get out, only I should be resting :-s
There is something in my head about the doctor I saw this week .. and I just don�t know what it is :-/ there are about 40,00000 questions I would not like to ask (lol, now there�s a surprise) but I just want to talk to him again I think. Granted I was there ages and I should have been prepared with all my questions, but I wasn�t expecting him to actually saw its not ME � I dunno what I expected. I'm confused.
I want to know in his opinion does he think I'm mentally ill .. its really fucking bugging me, when people look at me do they think �humm, she looks mentally ill to me� or am I depressed and just denying it?
God I'm just so confused.
My dad tonight said to me � �stand up straight� I nearly burst in to tears � cos I cant. I can when I'm standing, but when I'm walking .. I just cant. He doesn�t understand and I know that, but is he just saying what every one else is thinking?
If I AM mentally ill .. what the FUCK am I doing to my self?! I WANT to work .. I really do .. *Crys* and I want to have friends and relationships and go to college .. I want to BE some one � god, I want that more than anything :�-(
I don�t understand what�s going on any more .. I felt safe with ME .. I didn�t care what people said to me about ME & being mad, cos I knew that no matter how ill I was I knew why, and I knew that some day I would be able to live my life again.
The doctor said to me, �It might get better, it might get worse� � I don�t care if I cant use my legs, I don�t even care if I stay in this pain .. I just SO want to know what the fuck is going on. God, I have never felt so scared in my life. That�s what I have wanted to say to everyone who asks how I am. That�s what I wanted to say to all my doctors .. but if I cay it makes me depressed. I'm stuck.
You know I wouldn�t care if I NEVER walked again .. its just all the other shit scary stuff that happens, its all the disbelief and criticism, it�s the being passed from doctor to doctor because no one wants to be responsible for me. And it�s the letting my friends, family and my self down. I cant read, I cant write, I cant walk, I cant go to work or look after my self, I cant see my friends (the few I have left) � ugh, I'm so sorry. I'm just in a self pity mood today.
I want to go back and see Danny again � I know I cant, I have no reason, and I know that once I got there I would cry and forget all them questions I wanted to ask. And all I really want is a hug .. from a doctor, who carers what happens to me. Chance would be a fine thing!
There are so many people worse off than me, I so know & understand that. But I cant help wanting some stability in my life. It just keeps running though my head � �Could get better, could get worse�
On top of that I have no money and I'm scared how long I will last!! Although I REALLY LOVE being on my own :-D
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004