2002-02-25 - 1:12 p.m.
You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and it feels like just opening your eyes has used up your enery for the day?
When you can move anything because your aready shattered, when you can get your head off the pillow cos it already feels like concreat. You havint even atemped to move the dovet, that feels like a lump of metal, or tryed to swing your legs out of the bed and they feel all stif and saw and like lead. Every movement feels hot and tingly, like it 3 in the morning and your just getting up to go on holiday after going to bed at 1 cos your so excited.
Your thinking about that long hall to the bathroom and dreading the stand to brush your teeth, or getting under that running hot water knowing its going to heart like mad cos of your over senctive skin.
breaking out in a sweat thinking about getting all the way down stairs knowing what your going to feel like in a few hours time.
Just wishing you could sleep for another 48 hours cos then everything would feel ok again.
Wondering who your going to see and what a mess you must be looking, getting scared about having to put a smile on it all and hope they wont see though it when you tell them your feeling lots better. And that feeling of rage when people tell you your looking fine and why dont you look it to some part time work. Listning to there storys about there hectic love life and how they wish they didnt have to go out every weekend cos its getting boring with out going green and wanting to hit them.
Wishing your best mate would come over and say 'i compleatly understand how you feel, puttint there arms around you and telling you that no matter what they would love you and look after you.
Wathing you kids or siblings going out and growing up around you with out being bale to join in or guid them.
Knowing that no matter what you do to relax its going to be too much, popping pain killers and thinking 'i dont know why i bother, they dont make any diffrence'.
and then lying down at the end of the day thinking 'well that was wearth it, can weight for tomorrow' and tossing and tearning all night in pain talking to your self saying 'if i just move in to this position i will get comfy and get off to sleep'.
For all i moan there are good sides to this cresid condition!
I have the time to watch things, apreciate things.
I still get that tingle down my spine when i listen to music i love. and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with i see the person i love.
I understand things and look at lifei n a diffrent way. I know that im lucky to be able to go to the cinima, or pop to the pub with friends for a drink.
I may not have a full like it other peoples terms, but as far as im conserned this suts me for the moment.
sorry about the rant there! dont know what came over me!
Jo xx
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004