2003-02-02 - 12:07 a.m.
Why i do girls
Hummm .. i just wanted to write something down about this. Its kind of a big deal. In so ways its the biggest thing i have ever had to cope with .. and in others .. its nothing.
At the age of 9 i knew i wasnt normal so to speak. I was fat, none of the bos wanted me .. i didnt play kiss chase and i didnt want to. I didnt fancy boys (not that i knew much about fancying at that age!) .. i just wasnt intrested like other girls were. I just thought that was me and got on with it.
I went to secondry school and got on really well with a teacher there. She happened to know my auinty so she kinda looked out for me. I craved her attention, affection and i just loved talking to her.
To begin with i thought i just wanted to be like her, thin, tall, sporty, friendy .. all the things i wanted to be. But after a while i realized it wasnt that at all .. i didnt want to be like her, i wanted her.
I was going out with Matt from a young age .. not really sure how old i was, i cant remember much about school (not for any reason other than i have lost a few chunks of my memory sence i have become ill) Im sure Matt will let me know if i get anything wrong.
Any way .. where was i .. ah yes, Matt. Was with him for about 2 years all in all .. give or take the odd week when we had a fight ;-)
But no matter how much i loved him, and i did .. love him that is .. it just didnt feel right. We could talk for hours and hours and i would feel how much he loved me .... i felt safe and warm, but i didnt feel what i felt when i was with the teacher. I guessed that i was into women but it still hadent realy clicked. I guess by the age of 13 i knew i was into women and porbably gay.
I only knew about 'gayness' cos of my auinty Ali. She was gay (although i wasnt told till a bit older) and once i was told i had more of an idea about how i felt.
I felt i would be safe to stick with Bi untill i was sure .. so i came out. At this point you have to bear in mind that i had only ever been with a bloke .. and only even as far as seing a willy! Never did anything with it .. ICK!
At about the age of 14/15 i told Matts Martyn that i was Bi. Martyn was in the year below me at school, my sister part time boyfriend and a good friend of Matts. I shouldnt have told him. I should have talked to Matt first. But i didnt .. and the shit hit the fan!
Martyn told Paul (Matts younger brother) and word got to Matt that i was Bi. He went mad, he was scared about what i had done with a woman. I explained that i was going off feelings and not actions. I dont cheet.
I split up with Matt at about 16 when he left secondry school. He went off to sixth form and i didnt see him. We wernt exactly doing well after the whole Bi thing despite trying to work things out. I knew i couldnt carry on like that .. and if i did, we would have ended up together still now.
A year later i went to 6th form my self .. and met Becky .. i guess that was the first time i had met a grrl who i just despratly wanted. By this point i knew Bi was just a cover up for what was really going on .. i was gay.
Things with Becky didnt go to plan, but it did leave the door open for me to tell my family and friends. It also gave me a confidence bost.
At 16, while pesuing Becky i told my sister i was Gay. She freaked .. told me if i didnt tell mym she would. (I have never trusted her sence) so one night whilest walking my dog with mum i told her i had a girlfriend. (although thats not strickly true, cos me and becky never really got started .. it was a good chance to tell mum though) She turned to me and asked if i was gay, and i said yes. She told me she had knowen sence i was 11 that i was gay .. and it was just a matter of time before i told her .. cow, she could have told me!! All them years of torment!! lol .. *rolls eyes*
People at college didnt care that i was fat or gay or what ever ... so i came out. And for the first time ever i was happy.
I had sufffered with a spell of depression at 15/16/17 ... but i was totally ok! Every one accepted me. Friends knew i was gay and didnt care.
I started seeing some one at work, she was a lot older than me, but fun and friendly .. she was gay (although she wasnt even out to her self!!) she was the first woman i kissed. (how sad, i was 17!!) Any way, after hours of snogging .. she took me home. I was so happy, she gave me a kiss good night and left.
I went in to work the next day to find that sexual harrasment charges had been filed against me. She freaked completly. Told people i was stalking her and wouldnt leave her alone.
After a while it settled down and i never spoke to her again. But its odd i should talk about her now, she just got busted by her friends at work that she IS gay!! ha ha ha ha!!
So, while all that was happening i started sleeping with Fran. We lost our V's to each other (aww .. cute) and after a while, we got together! Things lasted about a year.
So thats my love life up to date!!
I guess it never bothered me, being gay. I knew my family would be ok, and my friends had been great so far. I knew that i would, and i have, face problems along the way with small minded people .. but you know what, fuck em!!
I have spent post of my life with people putting me down. Not always in a millishus way, some people did it inadvertently .. thinking they were protecting me from things, but they were wrong. they made matters worse. I now, more than anything, strive to become every thing i was told i couldnt be.
I am a gay, fat, disabled bird who plans to do well!
The 'messy head' stage was the worse for me .. that hits you when you first realize that you have a crsh on a grrl ... it kinda throws you .. pinches you on the ass while your not lookin! And although it feels like an eternity while you there (in 'messy head' stage) one day you will wake up and realize that you made it.
Some times i used to wake up excited that i was gay, that i finaly had an identity, that i fitted in to one of sociatiys little slots. That i could go out and be me, with out having to question my every move.
Now im just women mad ;-) .. no seriously, didnt you hear ... im a slut.
No, really, i love women, i love being loved by women. I love being gay & being part of the lesbian life styel. I love the looks that i get when i buy my lesbian magazine & i love shouting at people who are small minded ;-)
Im going to leave it there .. i might write a bit more some time. If you have any questions then mail me. And if you are confused about your secuality .. you will get there :-)
Love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004