2002-03-13 - 1:17 p.m.
My Living nightmare Fighting that drouzey feeling, forcing yourself to stay awake for you know that you will wake tomorrow and things will seem worse. That you will still be trapped, imprisoned and incaserated within a body which no longer feels like it belongs to you, that the pain will be that bit more intense, it will be so sharpe that you want to yell that you give up, that it wins, that you can not go on any longer. Your thoughts muddled, you no longer know what you want out of life, your scared to make plans, to form relationships, you have lost so much already and have layed there watching your dreams slip through your fingers like fine sand. From a bed in a darkened room you wonder whats going on outside your window, you try to imagine being well, having friends, strithing for your dreams, reaching out and nearly suceeding them, you are ingrossed in thought for a few seconds before your mind returns once more to the pain. Your head feels like its resting on concreat but just a pillow under it makes you feel dizzy and sends stabbing pains down your neck. Every part of you, every cell in your body hurts and is crying out in pain. Your no longer living, just purely exsisting, exsisting in what feels like a veggatated state. Finally you give in to that drouzey feeling and drift off to sleep, nightmares haunt your sleep and dance around your head taunting you, you awake the next day but the nightmare continues. ME is a living nightmare and i want out of it. I hope Viks doesn�t mind me nicking this, but I just cryed when I read it. Its so true, I guess every word written there is something every ME suffer can relate to.You know when I was in hospital and they were looking for tumors, I actually wanted them to find something. How sick is that? But I didn�t want ME, people are so ignorant to it. I must admit I have been lucky, I a handful for very close friends who have stuck by me, but what about all the people I saw in my normal life? Where did they all go? Do you know, when I go in to work I dead people asking me how I am, what do I say? Same? Ill? Tiered? In pain? Nothing they haven�t heard before from me. I remember when I was working and my back was killing me, I was always off with back pain. I knew what people were saying behind my back, �she is just going out on Friday night and to tiered to work the early Saturday� at one point they stopped paying me because they thought I was �skiving�. I would go in the next week and people would ask if I was feeling better, to start off with I was honest, �no actually! Im still feeling shitty�. But after a while I could hear them in the smoking room. I remember it like it was yesterday, 2 of my closest work friends were sitting in the smoking room, I heard my name so I just stopped out side. �oh you don�t believe her do you! Come on, she is always moaning about something! If its not her back she�s being sick, were the ones that have to do her work when she doesn�t turn up, she�s taking the piss, I mean, she�s still being paid�. I nearly fell over I think, I went in to the toilets next to the staff room and just cryed for 15 mins. That was my break over and I just went back to work. The residents were asking how I was and though my huge smile I said a bouncy �fine sweet heart! How are you my love?� when all the time I just wanted to cry. I went to sit with Doris, she was my fav resedent, every so funny, not quite with it but always up for a cuddle and a chockie! I didn�t tell her what had happened, I don�t think she would have really understood but she knew straight away I wasn�t happy, have me a big sloopy kiss and told me a was only aloud a chocolate this once (so would never let me have one cos she thought I needed to loose weight�. Lol) I just told her I wasn�t feeling very well and we have a nice long chat� I miss her you know, she was always aware of what was going on with me, yet she never quite understood. Bless her! Im May this year I will have been off sick for a year. And in September this year I will have been off life for a year. (I still managed a bit of college in September) And do you know what?? I feel worse than I did then. People (like my mum) say that I will be ill for 2 years, one year being quite ill and the second getting your life back together. But what if im still here this time next year? What then? A rather pesemistic view I know, but I want to plan my life on a moving target and it just doesn�t work. I keep moving the goal posts. Not on perpous, I start to feel better so I think, �ok, I�ll go in to town and meet some friends� that works for a few weeks then im just back where I started. At the moment im finding it hard to sit up. I love seeing my friends, but it just makes me push my self. They come and I feel I should be up not lying in bed� so I sit, and the next day I cant move. You know, I take pain killers� and I haven�t got the faintest Idea why! They do jack shit. Nothing, nada, nout. Im poisoning my body with strong drugs that don�t do anything. No sence in that you might say, but there is something comfting about popping pills��they must be doing something� if people ask I always say �ah yes, they take the edge off� who am I kidding?? I don�t think anything takes the edge off apart for being so asleep I don�t know anything.I woke up last night at 3am, been in bed a few hours, and I was shattered� do you know what woke me up? Moving� yup, moving my self around the bed. I don�t want to think about what comes next� I know im getting wosre, again, but I just deart say anything. I try and do what I did with my residents, one huge cheesy grin and a bouncy bubbely mood that my friends love me for. I don�t know why I hide it from them, I guess its my weakness. If I am honest and tell people I feel like im slipping they have one over on me. I want my life to be as normal as possible and by not telling them it is. I can say yes to seeing them or sitting down stairs with a coffee cos they have no idea what the pain is like. Like all the time though work, smile! And no one will question why your lying on the floor crying in pain.My days are becoming less and less normal, to be honest I haven�t had a normal life in ages. I get up, I muster some energy to make a coffee�. This against my mums advice� and that kick starts me long enough to run and get in to the bath. I rest there for a while and when the water starts to get cold I start to get out� I wrap up in a towl, try to walk though the huge head rush that feels like my brain is closing down� then back to bed where I have to sleep wrapped in a town before I can even think about getting dressed again. By dressed I mean PJ�s� no point in putting cloths on, im back in bed after a 30/45 mins at the comp checking my mail and reading the posts of brainfog (www.brainfog.net a very good site for ME) Then that�s it, im in bed for the afternoon, I watch some telly, sleep after diognosis murder then back up for another mail chack / chat and may be some food if I can bear the idea of sitting for any longer or even being with my family who are all very talented in the art of noise making. Im going to have to start turning my comp off between mail chaecking, the noise is becoming unbearable. The tinates is bad enough when im just liying down, but with that wearing in the background it sounds like concord taking off in my ears.Its taken me a few moments to write this, how come I can hardly follow eastenders any more?I want a cuddle from Doris� I don�t even know if she is alive any more� I want my life back�
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004