Sunday, Feb. 01, 2004 - 11:03 a.m.
Its not a secret what i am, so this will be a public entry.
Im not proud of what i did when i was younger but it seems to come back and hunt me when ever i least expect it. I feel like im letting every one down every time it comes up.
I slept with 5 women last year, and before that, i was "with" countless men. It disgusts me to think what i did to my self during thoughs years. I dont know why i did it .. i guess there are factors in it all but there is no excuse for what i did.
The though of being with a man now after the way i let my self be treated just sickens me. If i was ever with a man again i would have to be seriously sorted and really trust him. I dont ever see it hapeneing .. im just sick to my stomach today.
The other night in the pub we saw a bloke i went with a few years ago. I dont remember a lot of stuff i did .. but things come back to me over time .. i see things or hear things and i get flash backs. (I dont know why i'v lost so much of my memory .. its kinda scechy for years) I made a joke about it in frount of Nik and Fran like it was all a big joke .. but it wasnt. Its sick that i bump in to these people in the pub .. its sick that i did it in the first place.
I havent slept with a man, well .. as far as i know, but im prity sure i havent. I havent been with a man that intematly through choise any way.
The rest of the stuff i did was in a hopless bid to be accepted, to be normal or to be loved & liked.
Other stuff happened to me when i was younger, stuff that would make you not want to be with men, but it seems i wasnt put off, my sick ability to forget and just put a grin on despite feeling sick to my soul ... despite shaking and being nausiated because i didnt want to be where i was. I just pushed through .. i let people do things and i let people in to my safe places knowing that i would be voielated and feel totally unsafe after. Whats up with that?
All my safe places were taken from me, everything was stripped away from me untill i was left so unhappy i started self harming and trying to take my life. I wasnt even safe in my own bed. Nightmears of being there with some one i didnt really want there would take over my mind .. even when i was awake i could feel other people touching me. But what could i do, i had invited these people here in the first place?
It stopped when i started work .. there was only one insident after that .. probably one of the lest scary ones, despite being scared of that man i was with. That one was the hardest to stop. But i stopped him, so i stopped it. I managed to stop putting my self in thoughs situations, but i couldnt stop everything that was the aftermath.
Only thing is, more followed. I felt safe with women .. with Fran. We were together from a young age. From when the men stopped.
I lost my vaginigy with her, after all that time i was with some one i didnt want to stop.
But rather than leaving my self in a place i felt safe and staying with some one i actually wanted to be with, I put my self back out there. Only this time it was women.
I guess i thought that safe feeling would last, i thought that it didnt matter what woman i was with .. it would be ok.
I was wrong.
It doesnt work like that. I let my self get in situations i didnt want to be in .. again. Despite knowing what i did about letting people in to my safe places, about letting people be near me when i didnt want them to be. I kept on doing it .. and i laugh it of like its nothing? People joke .. 'ha ha, Jo can have who she want .. and she does!' .. its all very funny to every one else. They dont know any thing.
I dont want one night stands, i dont want to be with any one who doesnt make me feel safe .. i dont want them near me, they strip me of every thing i hang on to and i let them.
Im still not safe. Im with Fran, who i trust .. and i know im safe when im with her .. but when im on my own, im left in this pit of self harm and emptyness.
I dont like being alone.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004