Thursday, Oct. 16, 2003 - 1:19 a.m.
im just an inconvenance .. im just a pain in the fucking ass. I get in the way, i cause problems and im hard fucking work.
I hate having a disability .. not because im in pain all the time, or because i cant walk, or becasue i wet my self or shit my self .. nore because i cant use my arms half the time, or that i cant spell or think straight .. just because the rest of the world cant seem to fucking cope. Tonight, the disabled encloser was just some scafolding with bits of wwood on top .. no ramp, people had to be liften by hand if they wanted to use it. I didnt want to get lifted .. i felt a frawd because i can walk some .. so i get out and try to scramble up on to the stage .. my friends were so ashamed of me, i could see it. Every time i had to go to the loo, i had to get on the floor then grab some one to get me up .. i hate this, i dont ever want to have to use a chair again. I shouldnt have friends, i take advantage.
I just want to walk .. i hate the way i walk. I hate the way i look, i hate most things about me. I hate how people look at me, and how people see me. I hate the way im treated .. i hate how i have to be treated. I hate needing people, i hate how people know i need them. And more than anything, i hate doing things i shouldnt do because im ashamed i cant do them any more. I could cope with everything else, if i could just walk.
The cuts are healing ... how ever my head is still a fucking mess. I got shouted at tonight .. friends going mad for things i'v said .. i told you all i was a fucking big mouth. I dont deserve your friendship.
ALthough, i thank you for your messages .. you shouldnt waste your time.
I read something today, something that kinda explained some of what was going on ... i didnt expect to read that, i expected something very diffrent. Something that would upset me. It did up set me, but not in the same way.
I'v had to give up college, im too ill to carry on at the moment. Iller than im letting on. Iller than i want to admit. Im hardly leaving the house, spending most days in bed just pottering about, getting up when i have to. I'l cope, i always do. Just carry on till it goes away i guess.
i dont have much else to day .. i'v said far to much the last few days. i think i might make it all private and go back to the way things should be. Back to how every one is happy. Its better that way.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004