Wednesday, Oct. 15, 2003 - 12:15 a.m.
fucked up, slut with a big mouth ...
So .. where to start? How about the fucked up bit? Start at the begining eh ..... there is so much .. so much you dont know. So much you dont fucking want to know. Its all kept away .. some of it in my private entrys, some of it in my diary under the bed .. and some of it just cant be let out for fear of it taking over my life and eating me from the out side in. You think you know some one .. but how much are they keeping from you? I dont lie to you, i dont. But i dont tell the truth. I cant even tell people who are close. Having said that, i dont know who i consider close. I have close friends that can tell me everything, and close friends who have knowen me for years .. who know a lot about my past .. they still dont know all the shit inside. I told some one the other day .. i guess its some one i wouldn't have thought to tell. But it was good.
Slut .. well there is an intresting point. A point some people feel its important to make when ever they can. So i do stupid thing .. surly thats my parogotive? no one any one else's bussness? .. you know, i am responciable for my actions .. but all the fucked up stuff that you know nothing about makes things like this hard. Its like a test .. like a self harm .. just to see .. if it hurts or if you feel. At the moment im bleeding, but not because im a slut .. because im stupid.
Big mouth .. well, thats just me isnt it? Fucked up, stupid slut, Jo. I say thinks that are stupid and wrong .. and no .. this is fuck all to do with that little gob shite Vikki .. this is about me putting my foot in it with some one i actually care about .. saying something that should have been kept to me.
Its all very well being honest with people, but this is the kind of mess you get your self in when you actually do. Apparently 'its ok' but i know its not .. i know it. And now all the things i cant tell any one about have gone mad .. and im fucked up about it all .. as if thats anything unsusal.
Im selfish, mean, rude, wrong, fucked up, slutish, fat, twisted, annoying, mental, ill, crippled, self centered, agressave, scared, ugly, malicious, lazy, intimigating, loud, abnoctious, careless, thick, pushy, not funny, stupid, a lier, untrustworthy, sick, cowardly, attention seeking, visious, irritating, greedy, bad friend. I cant think of any more at the moment .. although im sure there are plenty.
I dont want messages .. im fine .. just a bad night. But to be honest, i always feel like this. I'v always got some fucked up, stupid thing going on. Im not doing this for attention .. i want you to know what kind of fucked up, freak of nature your involved with. Im sure some little fuckers will be very happy to hear this .. some people thrive on others being weak.
Of fuck it .. i cant be fucking assed any more.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004