Tuesday, Jul. 08, 2003 - 5:07 p.m.
blah.
WEll i made it through Sunday & MOnday so it seems .. although its all a bit blury. It kinda feels like i'v been awake months, but i had my eyes shut and cant remember a thing. Oh well.
I cant seem to sleep past 9o'clock at the moment, regardless of my arivel to bed. Its a combination of 2 things mainly. Pain, every where at the moment. Normaly just my back but i seem to be going for gold in the pain stakes (thats my new saying) The other problem being my worrys .. i try and keep my anxious feels to a min, i mean, they are there all the time .. but i try not to panic about things untill im really fucking worried. But im there now. My tummy constantly turning, addrenilin rushes at the slighest noise, feeling voilently sick at the faintest thought of my worry. My head is spinning with questions and answers and fears and panics. I have never worried about this situation this much before, but i'v become rather panic stricken over the last few days .. the realizations of how bad things are getting & the problems coupled with that.
Its a boring worry really .. its not my health though, that would be very boing. And its not another person .. i dont have enough adrenilin to worry about anything else, i wouldnt function.
Money.
Yup, the same old, same old .. that anoying stuff that your life seems to revolve around .. 'when am i next getting it?', 'where does it need to go?', 'shit, i dont have enough of it'.
I have to say, i think this is the poorest i have ever been .. im not quite sure how that works, i have no idea whats coming and going and its got to the point now where i just cant look at my bank statments with out shitting my self and having a full blowen panic attack.
Im not in debit, yet. And i try not to be. Im sure things with straighten out in the end .. its just biding time untill you get there. My card has started to be turned down for things in shops .. this is not a good sign.
THe main reason im bricking it now is because tomorrow (Wednesday) Im off to london for a confrance .. i will be re-inbursed for most of the cost's in encounter .. but i will get the funding after, and im not sure where i will get the money to pay for it now.
My savings are ever diminishing mainly due to running a car (if you thinking about learning how to drive and getting a car .. DONT) But it seems to be the little things that are crippeling me.
I guess some people who are thousends in debit would laff at my situation and think i have it easy, im trying to hold on to that though and know that things will ease soon. But its just a lil hard to keep your chin up some times.
Im sorry if i dont write for a while, im trying to cut back on everything, including posting stuff .. sounds stupid i know, but stamps cost money and thats that.
I cryed today. Its the first time i have cryed for in a .. god, i cant remember. I guess some would say its a good sign that im letting it all out. But now i dont know what to do with my self. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for my situation after everything i said in my rant. The whole time i have been in the hostel, i have never once cryed about my situation, i didnt feel the need, i have a lot to be greatfull for, and i give thanks when ever i can. I dont really feel sorry for me, i am just worried at the moment. I dont believe its only the money, but a combination of things really. Stupid things that build up in your head, things that left to grow make you want to do things you should. Things that i know i should stop, but cant. Things are just getting the better of me. I dont want people to feel sorry for me either, i brought this situation on my self.
I will, however, be back to my usual self soon im sure!!
I have desided the rant will stay, after a few comment and texts saying how much they aggreed or thought i was brave for saying it .. i thought i would leave it for all the silly little people to read ;o)
Jenny went to her consert last night, sounds like she had an amazing time, lots of nasty pain on the way home, but i will let her tell you all about it when she's back online!
Today im not really doing much, i have been watcing S5 of ER :-D *grins* this was going to be a day of total rest but i have to go to college to enrol on the BLS level 2 class.
I might be going with Fran to order her car too, but im not sure, im really not feeling too hot after yesterday's running about. HOw ever, she is coming to enrol with me as she needs to too!
I have my baby girl back .. lol, well, one of them any way!! I picked her up from the garage last night and drove her home with pride, i have missed her!! She did, though, cost me one hundread and sixty pounds! Never mind, she is worth it :o)
I am back on the roads :o) .. and legal!! lol .. untill next time ;o)
My sister is back from her round the world trip tomorrow! Im not excited .. because i dont really care. Im heartless like that. I hope she had a nice time though. She wanted to meet up .. sent me quite a rude E mail yesterday. I will not be here.
So yer, the GLAD confrance is tomorrow. Its not my GLAD - its the Greater London Action for Disabled people. But its a gay and lesbian one. Gemma from Manc and her friend Debi are coming down and the Manchester Disabled Lebians group is funing for all of us to go :-D Im not quite sure where it is though! Gemma & me arnt the most orgonized of people it has to be said! Im going to look at trains today and work out where i need to go. I might call Gaz though ;o) he know's about these things!!!
We are staying in the hotel on the Wednesday night, i plan to get there about 4/5 and Gemma & Debi will be there about 10 i think (although knowing there timing it could be anything between 10 & wednesday morning!!) Then the conf is all day Thursday & we are all going off to Gem's mum & dad's house to stay Thursday night. (And yes, i am bricking it about spending a night in her house!!) Im looking forward to it though, will be lovely to see Gemma again :o)
I talked to Gem from Surry last night, we havent spoken for ages. It felt like months, prob was really! Her health is very up and down at the moment, improvments in some things and deteraration in other things. She seems to be keeping her spirit up though .. having said that you can never tell with Gem!
She is with a bloke at the moment .. for 5 months! Im so happy she is happy :-D She will miss him while she is home!
Any way, i should go before i talk about things i shouldnt!!
Hope every one is as well as possible
Love Me x x x x x x x
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004