2003-06-29 - 1:11 a.m.
Up .. im awake
Hey .. im up & awake, i dont know whats going on in this silly head of mine! *rolls eyes*
I went out for a picknick with Sarah and Andi & Emily &Nick (E&N are there kids, E is 2 and N is 3 weeks today!) It was really lovely actually, they brought me lunch :o) I didnt last long though, things started to go blue again :os not quite sure what thats all about .. think i might just have to get used to life through a blue tint, well i am already cos thats the colour for my dyslexia, but its kinda odd! Any way, my head ache came back with avengence along with everything else ache so i popped some pills and came home. Andi used the PC for a bit while i wrote a letter then i crashed and went to bed. I felt so so ill, i had a shake and was RUDLY awoken by Alison wanting her hair done so she could go out!
Im actually feeling a lil clearer after all that, this i needed to get really really ill to kinda get it over and done with. This head aches getting me down a bit though, i mean, my 'normal' pressure head ache has taken a seat on the back burner to make room for this bastard head ache thats making my eyes swell and me vomit :@ I think its all due to this heavy bleed though (fingers crossed!)
I spoke to Jenny today!! We had an online chat, was so nice to see her :o) She really isnt well tonight bless her, its hard when she is in Scotland let alone CH!! But never mind, i know she will be ok :o) *sending healing vibes sweet heart* I think we are going to try for a phone call tomorrow .. Matty baby found me a phone number that makes all calls quite cheep, i think its 4p during the day, 2p in the evenings & 1p at the weekend, that will make call's a lil less rushed any way!
I phoned both the PA's i want to employ today, they are both coming over on MOnday at 2 to talk things over. Im going to ask Debbie how she would feel about starting on her own for a month or so, and then when Mechelle can star she can go half time. Either that or ask her to wait till Sept and i'l keep on agency staff untill then. If it all fall;s though then thats just that really! I can always start again eh! Im hoping it will all work out ok any way.
Im been a bit manic tonight, this not sleeping makes me go all odd!! I'v been running round (as much as possible, i can never walk much after i shake) making cards and talking to Cal. She popped over to see me, it was so lovely to see her, got a big hug & a good chin wag! Bless her, sounds a bit mad but were so conected she cant spend too long around me cos she picks up on my pain and cant cope! She's always saying 'will you move, your back is killing me' <-- lol. Scary thing is Jen does it too & i dont want her to start not being able to hang around with me cos of my pain! lol.. i dont know if i pick up on other peoples or not :s not sure if i could tell over my own!
Im sitting up watching glastonbury coverage, i have a spare tape in just in case REM comes on, Jenny wants me to tape it :o) Nothing yet but im on a mission to get some!!
My friend has started writing private entrys and im terrible because i havent had a chance to sit down and read them all yet, only if i leave it too long im never going to do it! So thats tomorrow's mission. I also have to go see my dad and sort out Vikki's & Cass's e mails again. Other than that i really must rest. Im on strick orders from Jenny too .. and i know she will find out if i dont . then i'l be in for it! ooooo.. just remembered i'v got a BBQ tomorrow too!
I'v desided im going to try and meditate for half an hour every morning before i get up. Im not sure how long it will last but i really need to get back in to it. I wrote some one a 5 page letter offering them healing and i havent sent it. I cant send it untill im totally sure thats what im meant to be doing .. but before then i need to get back in to the swing of things. Its been forever sence i did my last bit of hands on stuff, and the mental stuff is really hard work unless your totally comitted. Its hard work any way, dont get me wrong, very draining .. specially when your ill your self. But its worth it :o)
Just had a luuuvly chat with Nick about healing and theripys and stuff .. bless him, i do bang on once i get going though ;o)
Nikki is home this weekend, i think we will be doing something this week. Will be lovely to see her, its a shame we go so long. I might try and blag a week down there next term if she isnt toooo busy :oP
I have started writing more in my other diary now, its helping actually. I used to write it all down in my hand diary but im not really up to that there days. Typing is very easy. Only thing is i get amazing back ache from sitting here for hours writing a ton of shit about all the confused and fucked up thought in my head! I was thinking about going to see someone a few months ago, a counciler or something .. but i dont think i need to now. I must admit, being with Jenny has made me extremly happy. But there are lots of things that have changed around me and i have changed my slef. And im feeling the diffrence... even though i still moan!! Its amazing how much crap one person can put them self though really! I amaze my slef .. i cant remember what my thought was last night, but i couldnt for the life of me get it out of my head, took me hours to get to sleep! the bastards!
I have a desided to write some thing about my belifes for my linky bits --> I expect it will take me 3 years to do, but i will start putting fingers to keys at some point this week. I would quite like to see what it looks like written down actually. I kinda end up explaining bits to people about what i believe, but i'v never sat down and placed it all together, if that makes sence! Dont worry, im not going to go bible bashing or anything, i dont believe in God as christians or jew's or any one see's him. And im not reliogus. Im just kinda spiritual.
gives you something to hold on to, and at the end of the day, isnt that what were all doing? just holding on to something? Might as well hold on to something beautiful like angels eh! :oD
oooooooooo .. Emma got me one of them stickers that says 'please leave room for my wheel chair' YAY!! bless her! One of her dads friends is diabled (SCI) and he is part of a group for diabled people in Cambridge. He is going to give me some info about being a disabled driver in Cambridge too :-D Any way, now they dont have an excuse to park to close to me .. ha ha !!!!
Jesus, im splitting in 2 here! What am i doing to my self? It smells of pop tarts in here you know.
Im off to bed, lets hope i get some sleep!!
Night night everyone,
Love always .. Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004