2002-04-25 - 2:42 p.m.
I feel weired... dunno what it is, its not normal ME weired... although thats weired as it is. You confused? i am. duno what it is.. dontk now if its physical or mental, i recon it might be depretion but what does that mean.
havent been doing anything really. dads birthday party... went ok i guess. alcohol saw me though the pain. think i should take up drinking, may be becoming an alkie would solve my problems.
i want to know what it feels like to be pulled under.. you know that feeling of being taken by the sea and smashed up against the rocks.. that feeling you get in your head, it might as well be physical with the pain n all. but to actually be pulled under... i think i'v fogotten what that feels like, to be under there, on your own cold and lonely. wonder if it will come around any time soon?
im pissed off with my family.. well not all of them Izzy is actually being my life line at the moment. Mums been taking advice from her hair dresser who seems to think the reason i cant walk is because i didnt have any where to go. What she means is when i was at college i felt i had no where to go as in my future. So i just stopped walking... fuck off! How dear she say that. the thing that really pissed me off wasd that mum put this to me, because she believes it! how dear she, i thought out of all the people who dont believe me or who give me 'that look' when i tell them i have ME, i would be able to rely on her, trust her and be assured of her understanding. She had ME herself so surly she must know its physical not phycological.
I also got a card from a dear friend of my mum's saying i should keep up with my homoeopthy because it takes a while to work. Well im sorry but once again FUCK OFF its no one else's fucking bussness whati do, weather i keep up with shitty remidys or not. Why do people think they can suddenly keep tabs on my life just because im not doing what every one else thinks i should be. Sorry... was there a new family law passed while i wasnt looking??
I have been rather low for a long time now... and funnely enough i'm fed up! i dont like laying in bed for days on end... only being able to sit for an hour or so, feeling sick and dizzy, in pain with a head ache that feels like you have something eating in to your brain... why would i do it becuase i didnt want a normal life?
god im soooooooooo fucked off in a few days i will have been at home for a year, and im worse now than i was this time last year... that scares me and its more scary the think that i might still be here this time next year, but what can i do?
oh fuck i dont care any more any way.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004