Saturday, Oct. 18, 2003 - 12:46 a.m.
Thats better!
Well i seem to be coming out the other end of my 'i'l kill you if you look at me again' spell .. lol .. having said that, catch me at the wrong moment .. and i'l eat you alive.
To be totally honest, its a mixture of a lot of things .. i'v been bleading again and as your all aware .. that can be quite an audeal. If im laying my cards down, im relapsing .. have been for months .. only now its getting to the point where im seriously seeing a change in my life. Im cross i'v had to leave college and that things are having to change because of the way i over did it over the last few months.
Im getting some amazing pain too .. the reffered pain in my legs is getting much worse and the pain in my back is changing and getting worse .. there have been a few nights this week where i was actually quite scared about the amount of pain there was .. i'v also been soaking my self every half ah hour. I think its just the pain and my muscles spasms being worse .. but i will go to the loo .. i can kinda feel i'v not emptyed cos it brings tears to my eyes, so then i'l walk back out of the loo and with in five mins im soacking!
Im quite scared (although dont tell any one!) about what the futuar holds .. my physio has discharged me saying 'im very worried about whats going on, with your history of spinal problems. This isnt carput tunnel syndrome, i think you have a neurological condition, come back and see me if you have problems with head controle' .. hummmm .. she is writing to my GP and neuro with her ideas about whats going on .. but its all not looking to fuitful eh!
My arms have kinda settled .. to a degree .. ok, im just lieing, but never mind! My right arms is much better, i can tell when the pain is coming and just need to STOP using it .. it mailny comes at night (i'v not really slept properly in ages because of it .. worse the last few nights) my left arm however has been getting progressvly worse .. it used to be i couldnt use it at night, but now im struggeling during the day too .. i think its not yet noticable to most how much its hurting and hard to use .. although a few people have started to comment and help with out with thinks like putting coats on and tops/bra's are always a fight too!
Money seems to be kinda ok at the moment .. i'v started to buy and rap crimbo prezzys .. i will have to finish making my cards soon and make sure i have every one on my list too.
One last thing is friends and family .. but you mostly know about all of that .. just a bit pissed off that im made to feel a fruad ... i have enough problems stopping my self from doing things as it is because i think i should be able to .. i dont really acknolage the fact that this could change my life compleatly .. more than it already has .. or that i have a right to things because im not as able to other people. Any way .. i could bang on about that, but i wont.
I'v actually had a really god day .. i think thats helped my mood too!! Fran came over first thing and we pottered around while Debs was here. Then we went into town. I brought a DVD player!! (twas a bargin .. lol .. i have a voucher that made it 44.99 instead of 90!) I also got 'the green mile' & 'if these walls could talk 2' on VD in the sale!!
I got Fran's and dad's cristmas prezzys .. not to many more to go now!
I got mum's bnirthday prezzys .. i also got a photo enlarged for her but i need to pick that up another day. I got some photos of a few weeks ago done from when me Ali and Fran went clubbing .. only NONE of them came out :o( im quite gutted cos them two looked GREAT that night! never mind .. i REALLY should learn how to use my digital cam!!!!
On the way home we desided to go see 'finding nemo' .. it was very good :-D having said that, its not as good as shreck or monsters inc .. but i think thats cos finding nemo is designed for a younger audance. The fish that had Elens voice was fab though .. i thought she was really cool!!
We watched the green mile and ate pizza when we got back in and i'v just kicked her out as she has a comp in Colchester tomorrow.
Im hoping to have a VERY quiet weekend .. im thnking about going underground for a week though .. turning off my moblie and not coming online .. i would keep my land line on but not answer every call. I think i might do that on Monday .. i need to bed rest as my chest is still making me feverish at least once a day. We will see any way .. we all know how my weeks of rest go! *winks at Jenny* :-P
Right .. im down to my ring arm's middle finger so i think its time to pop a morphine and head for bed. I'l be in touch with you all soon .. and i'l let you know if i turn my phone's off so dont panic if you cant get hold of me!
Nighty night every one :-D
(P.S .. well done to Nick and Debs for meeting up and TALKING!! WAHAHAHAYYY!! im totally jelous i wasnt invited to there *talking* ,.. but may be next time eh ;o) .. hehe :-P .. )
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004