Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003 - 3:16 p.m.
"I wish she was here, she would make everything ok. I would tell her what happened, and she would laugh. But i would give her thoughs puppy dog eyes and she'd say 'aww darlin' and give me a big hug, and then i would feel all warm and tingely .. then it would be ok. It would all be ok. I wish she was here"
I hate this song you know, the first line makes my insides screw up like something eating me from the inside out. Its like some one punching you in the face with a bag of emotions, emotions you dont really want to be feeling while your laying in bed or driving, emotions that make you feel like crap and want to cry, emotions that no one else knows a thing about, emotions that are eating you up, emtions that you want to share with that one person so badly you think you might burst. The song gets worse as it goes on, i sit here listning, putting my self though the worse kind of self harm .. 'a song?' i hear you say .. 'how can a song be a bad form of self harm?' well it is, it make me think things i dont let my self think because they cause such harm to people, it makes me want to talk about thing that should be kept under raps. It makes me want to screm. To top it all off, its a shit song, i hate it for more than what it does to me. Im not aloud the radio on.
Im going out for the whole day tomorrow, i need to be with him. He will make me see sence. He will help me and guide me and tell me what to do. Then he will hold me and tell me im not being silly, that this is all normal and that it iwll all pass no matter how it feels now. I expect we will eat chocolate, and watch a film and have a take away. It will be really good to be on our own too. He will look after me.
I didnt really know who else to turn to, the one person who knows it all .. who knows more than any one, who will always be there, be honest, tell me what i need to hear rather than what i want to hear. No sugar coated truths, just honest advice.
I will hold my toung, i will not listen to the radio, not think about it. It will go away. It will
On a lighter note, im home from my mums. Im relaly not well, my morning sickness is back (i'v not been sick in the morning for months, got it down to just nausia) My tonicls are swollen, i have a throat infection .. its moving to my bloody chest too. But i have the Dr again today so i should be able to catch it. I have my BIG hospital app on Friday .. my anxousness isnt too bad at the mo, im hoping to keep it that way by entertaining my self. Mum is coming down for that too.
I cant wait to see Cal, she makes me laugh so much .. and im hoping i might see Franny again tomrrow .. she might drive up to see me at 'his' house. She is making me smile lots at the moment.
Right .. im going to write a letter. One that will never be sent. but one that needs to be written. YOu know the sort.
I hope every one is well, i'l catch up with diarys when i can. Take care every one x x x x x x x x x x x x
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004