Monday, Sept. 08, 2003 - 1:23 p.m.
Unstable
This is going to hurt like hell, and prob be a mess but if i dont write soon im going to go mad. I cant put my finger on whats wrong at the moment but i hope it goes soon .. i just feel like i cant keep my head above water .. im just so sad. Im not a teary person but today i neary cryed .. in fact, i;v nearly cryed every night this week.
I'v had the worst peroid knowen to man kind .. its my own fault .. i have my ideas of why its so bad, i wont write them here mind ;) (you know who you are :oP) I'v been vomiting, masses of tummy and back pain, i cant pee im so swolen, bleeding like a bitch. Head ache so bad its in my jaw bones, teeth, my eyes are swolen and feel like there going to pop, my brain feels like its going to fall out the back of my neck. Im sure i will stop bleeding in a few days but i guess its not helping my mood!
My arms are terrible. I just cant use them in the evenings any more. My social worker has given me an extra 3 hours a week so that i can have care in the evenings to get me into bed and when my arms get better i can use it for social inclution like swimming and shopping!
The pain is keeping me awake at night, last night was no exception. Dont get me wrong, the 'normal' pain keeps me awake for a bit at night but you get used to sleeping through it .. its just this pain is so hard to cope with .. it makes me feel sick .. or want to hit something. I keep shouting at Ali when i cant do things anf i know its not her fault and i know i shouldnt shout and i know that id she didnt do things foir me they just wouldnt get done .. but i cant help it. I called the OT to see if they can give me anything to help, but they cant come out to see me for 15 months .. i cant wait that long though so im going to either have to buy some stuff or ask them to come sooner.
Im at the physio tomorrow, Dr on Thursday, MRI scan on Wednesday, Urodynamics on the 15th and Ali is seeing the dietition on the 16h. I dont have the energy to do any of that at the moment .. im so tiered and so sick of this shit.
I'v had a phyco on my hands the last few days too .. i cant believe how fucked up its been. I expressed with no dout that i wasnt intrested in this woman but she wouldnt take no for an answer and now keeps texting me and leaving me fucking mad answer mashine messages .. i swear to god, im so not in the mood for this. I'm just not answering the phone.
I feel like a total bastard for not seeing Nikki this week, i know im letting her down and i hate that. She is away on hoiday this week but i am going to see her when she is back. Driving is such fucking hard work though i might get her to come to me.
I'v put on so much wait its not ecen funny, i know i keep going on about it but i really have put a lot on of late .. no ice cream, but other shit that i need to stop. I dont wanna end up like iused to be. Im hoping to go swimming in a few data but im not surw how much of a good idea that it.
i feel lonely, and i ffeel selfish for saying that, but i do. sorry.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004