2003-01-12 - 3:08 p.m.
Up hill struggle
I feel like im pushing against a concreet weight 3 times the size on me .. im weak as it is, how am i suposed to move it?
I guess the block is my anger? Im so angry at people .. they lie to me. My physio, Fran, doctors & my mum have all said that i will never walk properly ever again ... why do they change there mind and tell me every thing will be ok? Thats bull shit. 'This is just a rough patch' .. 'things will start to look up soon' .. im sorry, but i didnt think rough partches lasted 2 years? Unless my whole life if a bad patch??
I went to see a clairvoient once, she was great .. told me she saw amazing troubles already in my life, said i had been though alot in young years. She also said she saw my health getting worse in my 30's .. great, couldnt get much worse now .. .. cant go out, cant eat, cant walk .... cant weight to be 30!!
Im angry because every one thinks i cope .. and im fucking angry that people think im mad .... in fact im driving my self mad thinking about it. I just want to shout at scream but i want to do it on my own. I'm feb up of uninvited people in my life .. people who retend to care when they are how you are ... why do you bother ... forinstance ...
Paul says: How are you??
There not being homophobic .. every one hates you says: Im scared & angry & in pain & upset & i cant explaine any of it.
Paul says: Is it ok if i come over at 11 on Tuesday?
There not being homophobic .. every one hates you says: Uh huh.
Point proven.
Fran hates me cos i wont stop shouting at her .. i cant help it, every time i talk to her i feel my blood boiling. I just want to be on my own .. but if i say that i get this
So take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place says:
call ur self my best friend, shout at me, be really mean to me, but dont tell me why or whats wrong with you, and you wont even let me see you
I just want to crawl into a hole and be left to die. ... having said that, im not depressed .. no, seriously, im not .. im a bit scared, a bit angry, in quite a lot of pain .. compleatly shattered beond beliefe & hungry .. but im not depressed.
I feel clostraphobic, like a cant breath becasue im resticted ... like i have no options, no friends to turn to .. and i know its not true .. it just feels that way.
I could go on for ever .. i should change the subject.
Gerry & Alison are doing a sunday roast for us all, so im going up there at 4. Picking Izzy up at 7 & babysitting Emily (next door is Sarah & Andy .. she is 2) at 8. I hope i will be alone tonight. I dont want to have to open my mouth (except for emily) the whole evening.
im so confused, im so so scared & lonely ... every thing i just said is bollox .. i need my friends more than any thing.
I want to be normal .. straight and well & wearing all the latest clothes.
I wish i knew how to get rid of all this .. i cant talk to Fran at the moment .... i have been a bitch, i am aware of this .. i just dont know why, i dont know whats stopping me from talking to her. I need a change of face .. she hates me.
send me luuuuvvv - Sunday, May. 02, 2004
newly free! - Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
its not goodbye - Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
burp - Sunday, Mar. 07, 2004
filling in :-) - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004